Everything really IS awesome....choose that.

I'm really thrilled actually. Thrilled that these words spill out of their confinements and lay themselves bare. No longer hidden behind humdrum beginnings or mysterious endings. Oh the joy of these numerous fascinations.
Duality.... or now dubbed 'dueling reality'.... I think I can see through the mist a little clearer. Though seeing what amazement it brings...one would already know things are much clearer.
And so this leads to being caught up in a one way ticket....a one track mind....and to square one. There's no going back...and who would want to? Forgive me if I seem to fall behind, or seem to leap ahead....that's only a misconception...a misperception... irrelevant. Doesn't matter if I'm on the train's first car or last....we still all reach the destination at the same time. We are one.

So....if you already aren't aware....there's this energy boiling up...pounding thick against our flesh....a turbulent growing force waiting to be unleashed...and it's building rapidly behind the flood gates..... can't you hear the rushing waves....
It's almost ready to burst forth.... prepare to harness the coming wave....it's going to be a big one... and I am excited and ecstatic and almost uncontainably able to patiently wait for its release.
I feel like laughing madly into the sky....because even if I can't describe it, I can feel it...and it's going to be grand! Don't bother holding on tight....we aren't meant to stay put with this one....it's time to fly! WhEEEeeEEeeEEEeeEeeeEEEEEEeee!!!!!!


So besides the exciting news.....I also feel there may be something that has yet to reveal itself....feels like a secret you've been waiting to hear about or a solution to a major problem...or the final piece of the puzzle....feels like it's fixing to get known too.... like a surprise. I wonder what it could be....hmmmm. I shall keep you updated on that once I figure out what it is.

Book update.... I'm fixing to proof read everything. I think I'm done with Chapter 30.... and I want to write the epilogue after I proof read in case I forgot something... Should be done within a week...we hope! Then to name it, haha.... prep the formatting, and get it printed.... only to find 50 misspelled words or misprints after I get it in book form, lol. Of course.
Book 4 on the other hand will have to wait until I read this very interesting book.....

Sewing work, good. Working for other people job, good. And other than my neck pinching the crap out of me, I'm good-ish. I should probably go to sleep....but I'm gonna go proof read! YAY! Later!

......I swear I've lived.

So....the conversation was enlightening. And now....this word.... 'deserve'....has been decoded...debunked...demoted into what it really is.
De-serve ...De-serving...di-serving....this dis-service to ourselves.... Who are we to even judge ourselves....for we would condemn ourselves quickly and easily. Guilty.
Split into two....we are such a fatal species.
And He asked if I deserved my punishment I bestowed upon myself? But I couldn't answer Him. I wasn't even that good of a judge much less jury and executioner. He didn't see anything worth condemning. He didn't see a need for me to be swallowed up by the darkness...the rain, the muck, the cold. "Come here." He pulled me out of that muddy corner and set the sunlight upon my face. "Choose love." He would say.
Choose love. Yeah. Love is all you need, for reals.

And when we can impart that into every breath....that will be the indwelling. Choosing to love all, even ourselves.
There was this song I just heard...and it's probably old, but it said something about hoping you fall in love and it hurts so bad...the only way to know is to give it all you have... but there was this image that cast through my thoughts....a standing to toast every moment, good, bad, ugly, beautiful.... ah yes, everything.

....I'm not sure where the day went, but tomorrow is already planned and I don't like that monopolizing evidence. Sewing work, obviously. Writing the end of chapter 29 (I'm totally like 2 paragraphs away from Chapter 30) Which will be the last chapter besides the short epilogue. Dinner...no idea what's for dinner. And that dreaded twiddling of thumbs waiting on a w-2 form.... oh the joy.
Otherwise....very insightful things lately and hopefully you've noticed. Goodnight....er...good morning?

Reeling it in. I'm going home.

Let's get real....real deep....real eyes'd.
I recently gave everything away. Yeah, you heard that right. So recently it was only a few seconds ago. The trouble is remembering that.
If it were ever mine, I would own it, I would control it, I would have created it, I would know it's uses, it's causes, it's effects...down to every little detail, every smidgen of worth, every ripple, every line, every molecular atom... Every wavelength.
But since I do not know these things...about any of it. It was never mine. It couldn't be mine. I have no bond to such a thing. So instead of pretending I own it...I gave it away.
Now it is not mine. And...I don't want it back. I cede. I surrender. I give up. I abandon. I leave. I oust. I kick out. I turn away from....I deny.

Now, let's go deep....diving into this abyss.
I recognized it today. That old malfunction in rhythm. I know what causes it too. So I gave that cause away.... and the wavelength is straightening out. Should I remember this tomorrow? Who knows. Doesn't matter. I give that away too. Tomorrow may not come.
Light waves are made up of moving bands of both light and darkness.... When we see that we have the choice to look to the light, or look to the darkness...things become clear. I could see where the darkness led... I know that place. And I can see where the light led... I know that place too. I will not choose the shadows.
Run the race and stay in time with those bands of light. Don't linger....or the light flashes.

Have you realized.... Have you real eyes? Can you see?
I realize....


.......... I need to go. Words are useless anyhow.
I give you all away.

Drumming beats make me wanna dance

I hear the drumbeat.
A distant echo as I look upon the thunderous mountains and the silent fields that are laid out before them.
"I'm coming for you."
A whisper brought to me by the winds that drift across my skin.
The drumbeat, pounding like the soldiers who tread upon the minds of our kin.
Yet, my eyes are stolen away from their pursuit and cast back across the sunlit skies and giving all abandon unto your face.
Rivers of fear bleed out behind me and I can feel its growing tsunami, yet I cannot see the shadows it creates.
What can a star see of the darkness. What can a lighthouse know of the waves. All she can do is dance.
Dance. Dance. A star can see it all. A lighthouse can feel it all. And still she dances as if these lights will never go out and as if the tower will always stand.
Dance Dance.


Chapter 25 eeekk!! Why do I get so excited for myself...well, for my book, I'm such a dork.
There was this ....thing...today...a ripple? A fluctuation...a something I can't even describe. What do I do with that? I'm curious what tomorrow brings, whether it will be something similar? stronger? better?...hmm

in english, today kinda sucked in one area and was nifty in another. I didn't sew, but I checked emails if that counts towards anything. And I'm headed to go do some more writing since I've only been waiting all freaking day to do it.


notsurewhatelsetosaytatyouwouldunderstand.notsorryforbeingeverythingiamandeverythingiamnot.

Sometimes puzzles need to get re-solutions.

Resolution.... oh, you mean a re-solution....because the first one didn't quite work out very well...neither did the second, or third. Or do you mean, reso---lution, resounding evolution? Meaning we can't really make a difference in what is already prepared to play out before us?
I can't remember what this past year's resolution was...so therefore means nothing. And therefore, I won't be making any New Year's re-solutions for 2015, because we are on a different path, one that involves a more trusting release of solving my own problems...well 'occurrences', since I don't consider anything much of a problem.
There's nothing to solve and I'm not understanding the reasons certain occurrences seem to complicate the lives of so many around me. They ask for help, they ask for prayer, they ask and plead and beg and sob and cry and wear their struggles on their masks....dripping all over the place with their tears and devote neediness.... I'm standing in the sunshine and I don't understand them.
I don't ask for help, I don't ask for prayers, I don't plead or beg or wear my struggles (or as I see them, blessings) on my face or on my masks I've set on fire. The only thing dripping to the floor in a hot mess of molten globs are those pieces of me that aren't me.
......(bunch of stuff I wrote here but deleted)......
see what I did there...I put on another one....damn it.
I would try to make a resolution to stop replacing one with another, but I think this world has literately trapped me into it's glitched prison that I can only escape by remembering once again and again those things I already know....ugh.
Let me tell you a story.....
There's this puzzle in the breakroom at work. It's been there since I started back in November and it is still there sitting on the same table, still unfinished. Much of it is complete, but there are a few large gaping holes in it...incomplete.... and this is a reflection of my life. All the rest of the piece are in the box next to it and I already know what the picture is too. I used to work on it during my breaks, but I don't any longer. Maybe someone does. It had been different earlier (partly complete in different places), but someone or something had knocked a bunch out of whack and some pieces had been scattered on the floor. This is when I basically gave up working on it.
Well...long story short....I don't really think my life has gaping holes or any missing pieces, it's just a bit discombobulated at the moment....and maybe someone will put it together and finish it, or maybe I'll start working on it again, or maybe they'll finally just shove it all back in the box....doesn't matter. The picture already exists, the puzzle was solved before it was ever cut into 500 pieces, and my very good friend has assured me the gaping holes aren't there because he's not here.....but because you can't always see when all the trees are in the way.
Yeah, there's trees in the pic that aren't done....and people raking up all the leaves...cleaning up the things that have fallen away and waiting until spring comes.... god I love this life.

Do you know what a prayer is....it's an exchange. You are giving up and releasing what you are praying for....and in exchange you are receiving what God is praying for.

So...yeah, I'm assuming no one gives a shit about what I write here and no one takes any ounce of worth from anything I do, but that's okay. I guess I can tell you about the mundane things that occur around here..for those who just like to know my mask-y business.
sewing work starts back up today actually, but not really until tomorrow. I flip flop back and forth about whether or not I want to put forth the effort to do certain things relating to sewing work stuff. I'm so indecisive, but that's probably just for today.... totally the curse of being a Pisces. I work one more day this week at my other job, um yay! and I look forward to the next economic crash so our finances will be in much better shape...because we are the opposite of the world. And, let's see...ummmm.....I finally got that feeling the other day....the vibrational change or something...things are headed onward and upward! *claps hands like a loon.
really though, I'm just excited that it's closer to the time I get to bring home two little samurai. But you know me...it's the little things that make me happy. And I'll get to actually work on my book again tomorrow evening! Hooray! Maybe I can finish it in January...it might only have 2 or 3 chapters left.
anyway....it's like late....and I should probably save the daylight hours tomorrow to do something productive, so I'm outta here.


I just realized something....that same stupid feeling you get when you are working a crossword puzzle and the answer hits you and you realize what a dolt you are for not knowing the answer an hour ago.....about that lighthouse I wrote about.... a light house...house of light. Full of stars and of the sun....and not loaded down with burdens by the ton....Ha even that puzzle has a house in it...with lights in the windows. It really is the little things.

The fundamentals of support and frienemies....

It's 8 past midnight and I would much rather be here to write this down than sleeping, which I should be doing...if only I agreed with the word 'should'. But alas.... 'should' gives one the representation that something controls me...that something gives precedence over what I would rather do. So I, a natural rebel who chooses the darkened paths and opts for something 'other' will have to oblige myself to just what I intend to do, not what someone or something or the universe claims I 'should' be doing...regardless of logical reasons why I 'should' agree to their conditions.

I'm not sure I mentioned my dream a while ago with Jimmy Fallon in it. It was a pretty nifty one, where we were frienemies (friend/enemies) and were having a frienemy war. I had some people on my side and we had different weapons (not harmful ones) to fight off Jimmy and his people. We would shoot those play pen balls from my roof and drive remote control trucks loaded with feather bombs out his way.....of course I never thought it was fair because Jimmy had more money than me and had huge catapult things that would throw big bundles of styrofoam at us.... not sure who won, but we had a good time.
So anyway.... last night, I have this other dream...
Starts where me and some other people were trying to get through a large double door that was closed. To get through you had to defeat one of your fears and then you could walk through it. (in this case it was the fear of the unknown to get through the door). So me and a few others walked through it, like literately passed through it.
Inside the large room were other people standing and waiting for us to approach and as we proceeded forward, some of the people would block some of the others with me (they had to face one of their fears dealing with these people).
I walked straight to the back and had to choose going to the right or left. I went to the right and there was a bakery there and two ladies behind the counter. They wanted me to eat something from their shop. I told them I couldn't because it probably had dairy in it and would make me sick. They asked what I needed and I said lactaid pills, lol. One of the ladies said she had some but they were only for her and I couldn't have any, and then said I would have to go to the left to the other option. So...being annoyed by them, I left and went back over to the left of the room.
Ok...so this is weird but it was Jimmy Fallon's desk, he had pizza and breadsticks on his desk...and as I was walking up, kinda glad to see him again since our frienemy war....he turned into breadsticks...yeah, breadsticks.
I was like..."What are you doing?" as he was trying to blend in with the other things on his desk and hide, lol. "Jimmy, what are you doing?!" I would ask getting frustrated because I wanted to say hello. Then he suddenly turned back into himself and he was standing in next to my very good friend, and next to him was Jesus. I was thinking this was some sort of intervention or something because I was like dude...what the heck is going on....?
Anyway Jimmy smiles and says... "You know....frienemies like me are only here to help you, why did you wait so long to ask me what was going on? You got all frustrated first. Friends are here to help you. Enemies are here to help you too."...
Then I looked over at my very good friend...he said. "And friends like me who aren't there....are here to help you too."
Then I look over at Jesus, who just seems thrilled I was absorbing this 'lesson', smiles and says... "and me...you know I'm here to help you already." ...he shrugs like it's obvious, but I think there was something in that smile he made while he did it.
So I woke up then....and I know the boss man knew I would remember every word and I'm still trying to decode it...

Soooo...I've got four more days of work this week and only two days next week...and kinda hoping I'm 'let go' after that...this working outside of the home is not for me...whatever people, go do your jobs for someone else...I however am done....and I know this because I dread going the night prior to working. I'm rather disappointed I haven't been able to write my book for the last few weeks either...it would probably be done by now....grrr....
Meanwhile in lala land.... I spent money I don't have on things I don't need. and I feel great!.. besides a random pain in my neck (literal here) and lack of bank account funds.... however the bills are currently paid up to date and I have this ridiculous priced jacket on my radar my husband said I could go buy 0__0 !!! He hasn't argued with me about my future samurai kitties either.... OMG! I'm gonna keep him home forever! ....and of course put him to work on random business ventures in hopes of making some monetary gains....as well as cleaning the oven. :)

So I have 2 unschoolers who are not entertained by the yearly assessment (changing the name, but I haven't had time to think!) and 1 unjobber who is okay most of the time but still in limbo land.... ugh. And me who is going to unjob myself in less than ten days....but not from sewing work...that isn't work, that's art.
and....let's see...next year is 2015.... that sounds like a good year.... waiting for the music to begin...

....you know that song.... 'You've got a friend in me"?.... Frienemy (friend in me)

You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me When the road looks rough ahead And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed You just remember what your old pal said Boy you've got a friend in me Yeah you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You got troubles and I got 'em too There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you We stick together, we can see it through 'Cause you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am Bigger and stronger too Maybe But none of them Will ever love you the way I do It's me and you boy And as the years go by Our friendship will never die You're gonna see it's our destiny You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me

What are we? ...we are the music (muse sic = to think...thus was it written)

You would think I wouldn't still be struck down by every divine rush that happens my way. This living by the ocean is exhilarating....and I still find myself tilting my head in a whirling sea of ignorance and insight. What do I do with this ball of complicated simple wisdom?
Let's start with the first blow....and no, I don't make up these things....these things are real and yes, they do happen to me, and yes, I enjoyably spend my life pondering them....everyday. ..
There's this sign in front of a church down the road. I often pass it by. It reads.... "God is not there to keep us from trials, but to see us through them.". Truthfully, I always thought of it as bland and continuously hoped they wouldn't wait out the entire month to change it to some new adage. But, I read it over and over each time I drove to or from home....and yeah, both sides say the same thing....still, and it's been weeks.
So I really don't like it and it sounded kinda lame and full of milk. ...well.... here's where it gets into that idea that words are not merely words but something more...like my last post title... Frequency, was frequent sea.... and there have been many instances of words being much more than just words....they are vibrations and this so called frequency....
well, just yesterday, there was this moment where I again read this rather boring sign... thinking how that the boss man would indeed help us through our trials....and man, there have been plenty as of late.
"No, read it again." He would say.
So, yeah...I read it again in my head....'sees us through them...'
Sees us.
Not as in, watching or helping us through them...but sees who we are....sees who we truly are when faced with these trials. Sees everything when we lay ourselves bare and lay all upon him...because who else could carry them?
Seas us....crashing like waves and we are cleansed from our masks.... trials....try alls........ I'm telling you this is my life and it couldn't be more beautiful living by the sea.
And this brings me to Avatar...in seeing each other as we are....

May I continue? ...I was browsing through this magazine...you know, the kind that seems interesting, but you keep turning pages every 4 seconds to see if anything at all strikes your fancy, but it doesn't...well, I was caught up by one post....yeah, just one in the whole magazine....go figure...it was talking about how people exchange gifts for the winter solstice, call it yule, christmas, I don't care..., point is, the post kept on rambling about how the divine is silence...and I was thinking how the divine is also vibration...and the waves are both and its all correct...even though the author kept on about silence is divine, silence is truth... whatever dude, it-He-we are both... and I was shown that the other night....before I even read that article.

I'm not totally sure how to explain it really.... think of your body....and envision sound waves coming from it... like ripples on water....or something...I can't give you an imagination...
anyway...they come in and go out from us, like a radio antenna.
You have the vibration of the ripple/sound and in between those you have the stillness/silence. It's a pattern.
So boss man was showing me that when we try to take over and gain control of a situation/person it triggers our emotions (E motions, energy motions) to a different frequency, that they cause the smoother ripples to shake out of balance, like splashing would cause peaceful ripples to lose their path/shape/smoothness.
We need to not worry about stuff guys....he's been on the same frequency all this time and helping us tune in and I don't know why we keep changing the channel.
random thought....you do know what a channel is don't you..?....or you can think of channeling....
Stop making waves...that's not your job. Haha....I'm thinking of tons of puns now. 'Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. The coast is clear' .... I need friends....lol.

I helped Santa Clause shop for bells today at work. I was gonna ask if he was still taking requests for Christmas, but chickened out. Dude, I'm working...anyway...I was gonna ask for hubby's back to be better and for him to get a really good job that doesn't suck and he can do...cause I don't like working somewhere not at home.
Anyway.....it's almost crunch time for my at home work stuff....and of course tomorrow is shot...and all I have is Friday after work. Unless I can convince myself to get up early and go pick up a t-shirt at the store...haha...that's funny.
I should be working on my book (chapter 24!) but guess what I'm doing....writing about insightful dealings...
and I had a dream about the word transcend....with a tree in it.... not sure how that connects yet...trans send...trans end...transcend...higher frequency probably. ..hmm... trans means across/beyond/through.... beyond end? idk.

I've seen light waves before....and there's no better way of making you think your eyes are spazzing than to see light waves... They have bands of light (similar to ripples) and in between those...you guessed it, bands of darkness. And they move fast, so fast that you try to catch them in motion, but they've already gone way past where your eye stops...it's pretty cool...but I bet it wouldn't be all that great if it stayed that way...you would probably think you were hallucinating.

yeah, I'm wavering in subjects here.
so, I'm gonna go then. Maybe get some sort of sleep and let the world take care of itself tomorrow while I'm trapped at one job, and somehow sew all these tee shirts Friday afternoon.