Burning bridges lost forevermore

Freya.  Freyja. Friday...
She's the goddess of love, fertility and death... in Norse mythology.
She is also associated with gold, with war.
Her hair is like fire, and her laugh is sly, as something hides behind those eyes.
But here she walks, in this mist.
And I can feel all of what she has brought with her.

There is a greatness in life. Where the wind howls.
Where the secrets unfold and lay out before you.
Where your vessel is set out into the storm and you rock to and fro.
This unsteady life, like a boat upon the stormy seas.
But you are not the vessel...lest you forget... you are it's captain.
Steady yourself... and the raging storm will be silenced...
and the waters will sleep... and the sun will shine again...

There is a death aboard this ship.
There is a profound love and appreciation.
There is depth and there is the shoreline.
And there is the seed of new life.
Make war. Become gold.
Let the chaos rock your world...
and then stand...
Be still.
and the waves will lash no more.
the winds will fade.
and the heavens will embrace you.

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** ~** Ever feel like you're just going round and round in circles? So I have this plan to take some action steps that may or may not bring me to where I think I'd like to go... but then after researching and learning, I feel like I shouldn't be the one jumping through hoops of any kind... but then that idea of 'go for it!' arises and it sounds appealing, but my inner soul is like... 'that's totally a distraction, like an amazing commercial, but not really what you want'... and then I'm like...'I'm okay if I'm exactly where I'm at...why am I trying to do all this other stuff that feels not as fluffly as what I am doing/being?'... and then I'm sitting exactly where I am... and a few days pass and I go through this again! AHHHH! What gives?... I am done. I feel torn between complete surrender and roaring achievement mode... back and forth, back and forth... 😞🤩😞🤩😞 I want off this boat...**~**

I wrote that today... a post in one of the only groups I haven't unjoined. 
and you see how your words express something other than the obvious....
...and part of me flails on the ground like a child throwing a tantrum...but the other part of me watches this child me, like a mother who can only sit by and make sure her kid doesn't bust their face on the floor while entrapped with said tantrum...
"I'm sorry little one...but you can't ride the shark..."
no matter how much the kids thinks it wants to... it's probably best that it doesn't do certain things.
it's probably best that it just throws the tantrum and eventually surrenders.

Why do we struggle? Why do we create this suffering for ourselves?
We think we want those things, these things, that and that...
but what we truly want is peace.
Do we really want the 'what's next?!'...or the 'plan for the future!' .... or 'amazing goal!'
Do we really want those things?
What would we actually gain, anyway?

I know the answer...
and that answer is that those things will take us away from right now.
Why are we trying to leave this place so much?
Why are we trying to get it over with?
Why are we trying to cover it, smother it, or forget about it?
What are we afraid of?

This perfect safety? This perfect security?
This pureness? This heaven? This peace?
Why are we constantly finding a way out?
What the hell are we doing?!


This pattern of 'could be' ...of 'could do'... it is crumbling...
this destruction... this death.
I find it beautiful, even if it's throwing part of me into chaos

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the moment you gather all your eggs together...and all in one basket too...
and you hurl that son-of-a-bitch off the fucking cliff side.

because you own the motherfucking chickens

yes. that is me.

When you research publishers... and all this horseshit about publishing...
and how easy it is, and how hard, and how no one makes money.
and how much money you make, and how editors are assholes... and how they are great.
I have a rule...
that if I have to follow a rule... then I don't play the game.
so as I scratch out possibility #3 from my goal list...
my eyes raise slightly to where goal #2 lies.
and I've done too much research to even deem this impossible...
but now that Freya and I have had a chat with soul...
goal #2 is being scratched out... because I don't fucking jump through hoops.
My eyes glance to #4.
#4 has no rules.... no regulations... no people who have a say...
and #4 also got a huge moral boost a few days ago from the guru master...
so it can stay...


want to know what happened?
with that screenplay? the one I'm supposed to be writing?
I said I should...
... and so I didn't...
because I don't 'should' on myself.
...but now I can start it..
whenever I want.
so I will.
not tonight though.
I might even switch it to a book instead...
because I can

but here's the truth... the bounty hunter guy in this new one...
omg...he's so hot! *swoon....
and I finally got him a name! <3


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what else... this post is way way too long already, but hey...
as is my usual routine, right?
except my last post... hmmm.
it was short.

ugh...
I'm outta here...I found myself trapped in google land yet again!
but it seems publishers aren't as picky as studios... hmmm...

Hi and Bye

It appears that watching a 2.5 hour lecture on epigenetics and biology...
can infuse you with the urge to go super saiyan yet again...
And taking a class on quantum reality and electromagnetics...
can make that super saiyan go super saiyan blue...or ultra instinct
      (and I totally had to look that up, I never got that far)
with a slight tendency to combust.

But it will be entertaining at the least, no doubt.

I'm unsure as to what I should pour you a cup of today...
science?
metaphysics?
the cuteness of cats?
how the sun shines on the concrete?
where chipmunks go to hide?
how great it is that I don't have to buy a drawing tablet?
how one thought frequency can make matter obey and form to your will?
                             oh wait... that's science...
how so isolating it feels, even when you are in groups with people who
supposedly can relate to woo woo stuff... but no, not like you...
and then they do that thing...
that thing that defines someone who 'knows' a lot...
     but they don't truly KNOW.
and you have to step away... because there's no resonance without surrender
and they aren't able to do such yet...
and so again....walking in silence...a familiar place I've found solace in...

   and I do wish you wouldn't try to pull me out...
...when you are ready, I will come to you...

...but you may not recognize me...

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Nova
Tau ...maybe...
I'm still floundering with names for this upcoming screenplay..
Nova is a go....unless something changes
not sure about Tau... it's not quite there yet...
these people are in space... so something star wars-y, but not too cliche star wars-y...
Single or double syllable. Not ending in the letter N.
shoot me..now... names are just a procrastination tool...

I'm outta here...

Good ~ mourning ~ America.

She's a funny one.
This daughter of Mars...

oh, but you see...
she didn't mean literately..
she's certainly has dealings with wars though


"What war?" I would ask soul.
and they would look out over the waters...
"The war with self." They would say.
... all this time spent walking in this kingdom...and still a war brews...
"We are all at war. With thoughts that pour in from the skies.
With energies that never intend to serve our cause." Soul replies.
    and mind wants to ask question after question...
   but soul is already prepared...
and sends images... and visions... and understanding.

If placing those forms into meaningless words could help you...
I would still do it... but even I understand, that they will fail...
they will fall so short...
and those who've learned to read might understand...
but understanding does you no good...
it will never help you...
understanding is only a base foundation... but it can never carry you
it can never bring you higher... further... deeper...
...
if I mentioned a faraday cage... would that suffice?
but not made with mechanical matter and fancy tech...
oh, no... I mean yours... the one you carry with you...

The anchor for your thoughts...
your own thoughts...
and not that of outside thieves and slave makers...

If I poured out even half of what the truth is... you would drown...
but... I am not your savior...
and I'm okay with watching you perish...

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this morning I sat in a waiting room...
and the television was on...
and the program was running...
you know the one... Good Morning America...
and I think the Doctors or something came on after that...
and every single commercial...
was something to remind you of how bad it could get...
of how you are still lacking and imperfect...
of how sick people are and how medicine is your friend...
of how it should be entertaining to listen to the dross that spews from
the mouths of the hosts... about a tampon, no less... about all that they said
and every now and then I would glance over... and their audience was rapt...
because they must find out why this was so important...
but it never was, it never could be...
and the sheeple laughed... at nothing.
The others in the waiting room...
all on their devices... minus the infant, minus the older guy with the lady that
got berated by another guy in the room...
but she didn't do anything... it wasn't her phone clicking he complained about...
it was the a/c unit just outside the window...
and then her husband or whatever made passive-aggressive comments the rest of the time
...
and this human species...
I see how much more time you need...
how much we all need...
...
How can Christ enter in through a closed door?
...and you're not even home...
*faceplants on desk
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I dare you to free yourself.
I dare you to rebel against all that they feed you...
I dare you to take one step in service to your soul.

If I were the scourge that devoured the earth...
I would not spare anyone.
Except those with the light... those whom are home.

I dare you to come home to yourself.
I fucking dare you to embrace your beautiful. Your ugly.
Your savagery, your humbleness, your peace, your chaos, your desires, your love
your all of every part of everything about you...
your darkness, your beautiful beautiful glorious darkness..
and your light, the graceful amazing awe-some trembling fire light.

Which part of yourself do you hate?
If I can love that part of you, certainly you can enter your house and love it too.
Which part of the world do you hate?
If I can love that part of you.... certainly you can face it too...

I dare you... to not take one more step serving a false god.
I dare you... to serve yourself.
... then God will be home.
... and Heaven will rise.

I love you...
I want you to love yourself too.
Free yourself.
Free yourself.
Free yourself.


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maybe 2 hours of sleep and I still managed out a blog post.
...
it's only 1pm O_O
and I've had enough of this planet this morning
I've had my feel of people, and of significant others.
And I'm going to plan to run away soon

maybe the beach
maybe the forest

and although I'm going ghost on facebook...
(which for you old people... that means disappearing without telling anyone)
(or for more relatable means... Danny Phantom, totally)
except now I told you and you know...

I'll be here, albeit a bit silent
...or in this case, writing a bit too much...
and I'm waiting for you to do something for yourself...
without fear
without all your fucking 'yeah, but's.
without knowing HOW
without anything...
and I want to see your soul
and I want you to see them too....................................................................


peace out, chinchillas of morning yoga sessions and jalepino salsa chips.
drink you caffinated orange peach face fuzz and brush it away ...
because according to Good Morning America...and all of those 'programs'
you will NEVER be good enough.

What about your masters, do you hate?
          read that again....

.... what are words if you can't understand...?

O, lion.
The high one that steps from the throne
casting a shadow beneath thy brilliance.
How can they see you, in all that you are

A hunter.
A mighty claw of power that carries the world
The protector of energy and of flame
Let those who seek out life, approach

The hero, the star
They walk beside you in honor
The land, the sea.
Let them too, bow to your majesty

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You will never find me here....

For I've smeared muck in your eyes and confused your thoughts.
Because only those able to see with true eyes...
and only those able to stand in the waves...
will ever be able to approach this throne.

You will never find me here....
nor there....
and as my island, which has been hidden from the sky...
so is my soul, and all of me...
hidden from all of you.

Call my name.
My true name.
And I will come to you.
For I must.
Because only those who know... are my people.


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Too many letters...
Far too many words...
I will leave you with silence...





















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My world's on fire, how about yours...

Where is the ground?
Is it beneath you?
Deep within the Earth?
Is it where your heart settles in peace?
Ah..dear one...
The ground is within you.
It is you.
It is where you hold firm to the firmament.
To the foundation.
To the particles of matter, and of light.
The kingdom within, where the throne sits in the midst.

And what can break through the walls of this kingdom?
Can the sorrows of the world?
The things sought after, the struggle to 'do'..to achieve?
Can those things shake you from your throne?
Could all the distractions and fears and tasks make you leave home?

Oh..dear one...
They have ripped many kings from their place in heaven.
They have lured out the queens into the desolate ruins.
They have shackled their children and cast aside their heirs.

But you know better.
You know the Master.
And it is only the voice of the Master that you obey.

The tethers they try to bind you with, fall short of your glory.
Tethers that are nothing but fishing hooks, meant to pry you from your chamber.
Tethers that serve as anchors to keep you on your knees.
Tethers, anchors that weigh heavy.
Even the understanding of which are able to hold you captive.
Even your own thoughts can bind you...

You know what they are...dear one.
You know them all because you have severed yourself from them.
And now that you have returned.
They shall never be able to imprison you again.
Never shall the bondage of soul, of mind, of body... hold you.
For while you sit at the throne and remain in the kingdom...
All shall heed your commands.
So rise.
Rise
and speak.

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Even you know what the tethers are...
and I dare you to face them and unbind them from your soul.
You know them...
You've met them when you drive to work in the morning.
You've met them when you take part in an argument.
you've met them when you spoke ill of another.
when you denied yourself...
when you denied yourself...
when you denied others...
when you held someone else responsible.
when you've imposed accountability onto another.
when you casted blame...judged...ignored...
when you closed off your ears, when you turned away,
when you grasped too tightly to the money in your hands.
when you poured out all your frustrations and expected the other soul to fix you
when you expected anything
when you failed to forgive
when you insisted that you must keep playing this game....one that you still think you can win
but you know... the secret to winning the game is to stop playing.
...
that's why I've already won...
I want you to win too...

I want you to stop asking.
I want you to stop all the 'doing'.
I want you to untether yourself.
Unbind yourself.
Free yourself.
I want you to trust...
and I want you to get fucking mad.
Mad as hell.
Because only those fires can burn away the fear.
Mad as ice...
Because only that can shatter your programmed repetitions....
if those things ever worked.... you wouldn't still be doing them...
    how else would you agree to do the same mind numbing tasks over and over and over...
   ...unless you 'thought' it was the way...
You are fucking programmed... You have been lied to...
Thoughts are just thots.
Do not believe them... do not obey them...

Go home.
and fucking get back on your throne.
do it for you.
do it for your children
do it for the kingdom
and for god
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 So ...I found a very fun (still hate that word) and entertaining trigger today!!! YAY!
  (these things are rareAF! and I get excited when they come visit!)
(I feel like a little kid bouncing up and down clapping!! YAY!)
(and I will be sure to include parentheticals along the way! because it messes up the flow,
and life is chaotic!)

 When I die....
if any motherfucker out there says some bullshit eulogy
I will curse you.
I AM NOT KIND OR NICE OR SWEET AND LOVING!
FUCK YOU! 
(if you say that shit, you are a liar, I hate you all, everyone, always..except my kids)
I'm not an amazing artist or some endearing wife and mother.
(if I was, you'd buy my fucking artwork, bitches. Kiss my ass.)
(endearing... I'm a goddess who preordained marrying my twin flame, fuck off. I did it for him, and for me... not for you jackasses. Mother... my kids chose me because they would be allowed to do whatever they wanted and never be burdened with rules. Preordained... love them though)

I am not a compelling writer or a special person.
(no one gives a shit, not even me. If you tell people shit I did I will fucking haunt your ass.... NO ONE FUCKING CARES WHAT ANYONE 'DID'. FUCK YOU.)
(I am special. But not the retarded kind.. but that would be funny if you said that and lied to everyone!!)
I am not funny, or charismatic, or hopeful.
(I will accept full blown made up lies that are completely irrelevant and misleading. *nods)
...

I'm closer to being Thanos than any of that shit.
So don't any of you fucking say that. EVER ..

if you must speak at all...
tell them ---> "She hates all you motherfuckers."
Except my kids.

*little kid me is laughing hysterically while rolling on the floor. She loves it.

Please someone, anyone... please don't let me down.
I really do love everyone...but no... for the record, I hate you all


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I meditated for an hour today...
then another 15 minutes..
then another 15 minutes...
so apparently I have tons to say today!
aren't you lucky

I recently joined a facebook group ...
and now I'm no longer going to be on facebook...
browsing wise...
I'll still messenger chat and sell shit on the marketplace
I only follow like 4 people that are important atm...so I will check their updates...
everyone else is out of luck.
Mainly because.... I am unable to embark on that journey with them.
I will no longer allow those burdens to be imposed upon me.
I can feel it continuously pulling me back... and tethers are meant to be severed.
I do not need fixed.
I do not need help.
I do not need attention, or sales, or guidance, or understanding.
and facebook serves those with every dish... for the starving commoners...
....but I'm royalty.... and unless you are serving me, you too will be severed.

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so I guess I'm totally being harsh today.
but my soul wants to be fire...
she's tired of your shit
tired of your dawdling and hesitant indecision..
... she's tired of my shit too, your not alone, lol
...
ever seen Escaflowne... when Dilandau starts going crazy...
and all he does is rub his scarred cheek and with wild eyes he yells...
"BURN! BURN! BURN!"
yeah...

I'm not getting dragged by the hair...but if I dawdle any longer....
... I'm not brave enough to argue with her... sooo....
..
I want to mention the LION
I want to talk about Mars.
I want to hint at September.
I want to tell you about the Solar Plexus and how it is all fire...
... and even if it can't be defined by google...
... and even if I can't get a straight answer from someone who might have known...
...and even if severing all understanding and labels of such a grand power...
I am left with all the power...
and 'gut instinct' has taken on a whole new meaning
...

yeah, sorry, not sorry that this is so long....
have I started that screenplay yet... fuck no
but I totally will, lol.
something I learned today... my bike will not fit in the back of my 4runner...at least not easily.
something I enjoyed today... meditating, and that bbq I had for dinner
something I hated today... nothing
plans for tomorrow... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Make SPACE

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~ *****

 He sits next to the bed, and pulls out the last small diode key from his jacket. He twirls it in his fingers as the lights from the approaching Sovereign shine through the cockpit windows.
She wakes as the bright lights flash across the ceiling, yet relaxes when she meets his eyes.
"You're still here?" She asks. Her voice raspy and dry.

He reaches for her arm and pulls it gently towards him. He sets the diode key into the socket of the lock brace. She gasps and tries to pull her arm away forcefully.
"Wait! No!" She hisses.
The lock brace clicks and the skin clamps release. It falls from her arm and onto the floor with a clank.
"But that was for you!" She yells.
He glances to her and sighs, only silence falls from his lips. The lights move across the cabin and she turns her head to look out. Her eyes fill with terror.
The sounds of the Sovereign's link up to the loading dock break the silence. He stands and heads to the hatch door, quickly.
"No! They'll never release you!" She yells out to him as she stumbles from the bed. "Don't go!"
She gets to her feet, but the hatch door closes, leaving him on the opposite side. Only the glass port hole between them. He turns to her. She bangs on the door frantically.
"Please!" She begins to cry. "Don't go with them!"
His eyes are in pain, but the choice was no longer in his hands. She cries, now more silently. They stare at one another through the glass.
The hatch from the Sovereign opens on the far side. He closes his eyes, then turns away from her. He walks across the dock and into the Sovereign. The hatch closes, and just as quickly the ship departs.
She moves to the cockpit and tries to lock onto the Sovereign's signature, but before it could sync, the ship disappears into the void of space. She stands, staring at the empty blackness.

***** ~

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Still don't have names for these characters, if it's not already obvious.
and that is not in any sort of screenplay format...
but I do like the name of the ship (Sovereign)... and the diode key and lock brace...
cause I made those up on the spot, yo.
(Lock braces are like slave chain braces, so the owner can locate their property, I totally thought all this through already... cause it's the future, in space... and yeah..gotta work off your debt there too)
Might change the dialogue a bit....
....
gah... need to start writing on this, I want to see what happens too!!!
but I'll totally need to get updated on the correct terms for spacecraft/ship parts and terms
I say updated...more like learn...
thankfully google knows what I'm talking about when I ask
'what is the passageway between two spaceships called?'
unlike yesterday's questions... oy vey....

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Today, whilst at the grocery store...
they were playing some actually decent music on the radio..
and of course I was singing along!
making my shopping experience more pleasurable..
even riding on the back of the buggy... cause I fucking can...
no, I didn't crash into anyone... or come close this time..
anyway...
it seems the bulk of humanity are still struggling to break free from their persistent
actions of doing this or that.... for the sake of having done this or that...
present awareness and true connection were missing from the equation.
...that was until I go to the checkout...
like the most horrific place in the whole store...yes the checkout..
where you have to acknowledge there is a person with the power
(and unfortunately..the obligation training) to speak to you. GAH!
 .. so I caught the tail end of the previous customers convo..and the
checkout lady and the bagger kid were still chatting about that convo...
and I was allowed to join in... like they actually made space... which is completely rare
but hey, I guess that's new when its not the crabby lady or the guy with the
crooked hand.. who never says anything other than 'how are you, and 'thank you, come again'
(Kill me please! drones make me want to stab my eyes/ears out.)
anyway... they were talking about weird pet names... but I told them about Butter...
and so that sparked their interest real quick...
and I was like, "you can look up Butter the Cockatoo online and find him...
and bagger kid was like, 'what, does he have his own instagram?'
"Um...yes." lol yes he does
of course if a certain someone would keep up with it, he'd have way more followers..
but the point being... they liked his name...
and I appreciate not having to feel awkward while checking out...

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so anyway...
I'm going to do whatever I want tomorrow and the rest of the weekend...
and probably all next week too
If I would just start that screenplay... I'd be doing that...
but then that will cut into sleep.... and I'm not sure I'm willing to do that just yet...
Pretty sure if I just prep the first page and write FADE IN:..
that is all it's gonna take..... of course character names would be nice too...


Did not gain any wisdom or insight into yesterday's research questions...
if I did, I forgot...
so will try again here in a bit.
or definitely tomorrow, while I'm out doing all those amazing things I have planned ;)

btw.... canvas has made it's way into my house...sooo
ecstatic to get to being artistic as soon as possible!
two commissions to take care of...and a certain large piece for my stairwell....
umm yeah... gonna be awesome...
RAWR!

duck duck duck duck ...duck....??duck..?? duck....?? !!??

There's something catching the fancy of my thoughts.
Something not even google or duckduckgo can grasp apparently.
I've already done a thorough search and have exhausted my efforts.
At least the research in this outer world anyway.
I've only ran into this issue once before...
when I wanted to know how to turn a negative ion into a positive one....
it looks like that particular science has not been discovered yet...
...
and neither has my recent inquiry....
the closest I've found relies on primitive tools and parlor tricks....
and I am severely astounded...
it's like reading about a circus and not about performers of the arts...
...
I can't be the only one.
Someone must know something...

It could be that they've mastered this particular art...
and refrain from sharing with the world... which is completely understandable.
It could be that they simply came to the realization...
that the world isn't able to grasp it.
But I think they are.
And if not, let them spontaneously combust....
...cause in all likelihood, that may be what happens. ??
I would look it up if the internet knew what I was talking about.

I never asked in the aether about the ion issue.
But this new one must be sought...
I might touch base on both....for fun...
and out of curiosity to see what she says...

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I say she... as that's where I'm at.
I think she's the daughter of Mars....
"Call me Marzipan." She laughs...
I do not believe that's her real name... but okay...

Soul sits. She's quiet. Patient. Powerful.
I wonder what she'll tell me...

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so about that screenplay, LOL.

I need to edit Laser Racers.
Start the next one.
Maybe give Victory a good read through...
There's a deadline in late July...
September is the month for submissions, queries, and coverage.

So the world is perfect... and we will be sure of that for tomorrow too