Interesting...
this day 11, soaked in the sunlight
covered in a blanket of heat
A chat buddy decided to part ways today.
...oh... the story of my life.
farewell ???
I'm not sure. A hint of confusion...
but not surprised.
never surprised...
always picking up on it days before...
but never knowing what it is really...
it's a conundrum...
and I wouldn't trade it for anything...
this dance of energies...
serving us both...
until the dance is over.
All good. Always.
not the first, not the last...
a setting free
and freedom is not without the severing of tethers...
even strangers, even friends, even family
....
is it me?
my brashness?
my truthfulness?
openess?
...
like the time someone responded rudely to me...completely confusing...
but their own body language was horrifically askew...
so the response I suppose they wanted couldn't even have happened...
maybe because you were facing the other way.
do you want me to say hello to your ass?
wtf.
but no... I was the one in the wrong...
sure... I'll take the blame.
it's all my fault.
I'll own all of it, even if it wasn't.
reading energy and body language is common..
so if you are talking to someone else facing away from me...
I don't think there's much of an opening for anyone.
...
like the time someone stopped hanging out...
I'm not sure why... but perhaps I was in fact bored of the same topic...
perhaps I was tired of hearing about the same issues each time...
and maybe because my views weren't as exciting to you either...
and maybe because I wouldn't let my kid visit you...
cause it felt weird...
but no big deal...
...
or every time I try to be normal and it backfires...
a sting of ...'you're still not seen'.
...I'd rather be chased down than overlooked
you want any of me, you better get yourself ready to hunt...
There's no more offering myself up.
I'm not going that way.
There's no more sharing this or that to help you get to know me.
I'm not going that way.
I'm doing it all for me.
All for my selfish beautiful egoic fantastic incredulous magical disastrous self.
Fuck all of you.
I will not sacrifice myself for you.
I'll only do it for myself.
______________
I suppose that was harsh.
I would actually guess that everything I write on this blog is harsh.
I'm a harsh person I suppose.
Harsh like the wind, scouring your skin and blinding you.
Harsh like fire, searing your flesh, and turning your insides.
Harsh like water, thrusting you in the waves, and drowning you.
Like earth, sanding your face with jagged rocks.
Yet, I find this beautiful. This harshness...
all this harshness, bathing in a bliss of goddess superiority...
but masking the fact I love everyone and think you all are beautiful too
that you are more than me, that you can do anything, all that amazingness
...so am I harsh, or am I kind...?
Kind like wind, a gentle breeze, barely noticeable, but sometimes appreciated when it counts
Kind like fire, giving warmth on a cold night, and light, and cooking your meals
Kind like water, cleansing, refreshing, life...
Kind like earth, soft sands, secure, growing the riches of your fruits...
all this beautiful kindness...bathing in a bliss of hidden inferiority...
but masking the fact that I hate everyone and think you all are horrible too.
this paradox
this mix of duality
this gorgeous dance...
but
the
truth
is
......
I'm neither of these things.
if you erased all the words, all the colors, all the meaning, all the worlds...
that would be a piece of me and a piece of you
I know the realness...
and that can't be put into words.
_______________
____________________
A door has opened
time to step through
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